e

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As of 12:30am December 21st, I am a married woman. Thank you.

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Jessi and I have seperated - I'm now renting a room from a coworker. Just figured I'd throw that up here.

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Yeah, I'm a slacker. I never post.

And today is just about this ( meme. )

I have some stuff to post, I'll probably do that later today. Shocking, I know.

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Hey kids - just wanted to toss out there that the proposal went swimmingly (albeit in a slighlty truncated, nervous way). I'm getting married! WOOOoooT!!!!11

We need to save up (this is on our tab) and have mad plans for a very personal and unique ceremony. We're looking at fall/winter (she likes Halloween, I like 12/21) and 2009 at this point. I might get help from Mom, but that's a limited pool of resources. She already offered to pay for surgery. SRS $$$ > Wedding $$$.

So yeah, I am engaged. Antique 14k white gold w/ a sapphire. She didn't want a diamond, and LOVES the ring. :D

- erin

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Jessi and I are rapidly approaching/have past our two year anniversary - a nebulous date that commemorates, well, something. The magic of randomly falling in love with a friend while married lies in random "when WAS our first date" conversations. We moved in together on Halloween. We slept together in September. We were going out for meals in early August. So who knows - it's been a couple years.

We've decided to get married. My transition sort of complicates things slightly - who proposes (me), who walks down the aisle (both), etc. Her birthday is September 6th and I'm buying a ring to surprise her (she knows it's coming, but thinks Christmas or spring). Her family knows the proposal & wedding are on the horizon - my side of the family is getting blindsided. My family is complicated out the moment - my mom gets the whole transition remarkably well but is gunshy about marriage. My sister is having a hard time with the transition.

Another big thing that has changed is I've decided to have surgery. Yes, THAT surgery. I'm not going through serious genital dysphoria ("OMG - Get that THING off me!") but am ambivalent to annoyed about my current equipment. It's not doing anybody any good, gets in the way, makes me legally male, and generally is a pain in the ass. Maybe if I wasn't living with a fairly butch lesbian it could come in handy, but whatever. My appendix is equally useless, but I don't have to tuck and adjust my appendix. So yeah, getting rid of the junk eventually.

But first I plan to exploit NH's insistance that I am male to it's fullest potential and get hitched. Another legally married lesbian couple - just what this state needs.

Changing gears - work has been insane. To remind you all - I'm the Brand Manager for SkulBone (www.skulbone.com), a t-shirt line. We had a ton of pre-orders from the spring and they've all get released for shipping in the past month, so it's been crazy busy. I've been short-staffed for a long time and got some temp workers to help out through the rush. I'm hoping to hire someoe full-time so we don't literally close every time I have a doctor's appointment. I'm giving the job to my friend Kyna, but need the powers that be (and sign our checks) to agree before I can get her here.

Kyna is a realatively new friend (known her since early summer, I think) - she's dating my friend Antoine. Antoine is very similar to Jessi, both are sarcastic, wise-asses into metal - Jessi is much gothier though. Kyna is very similar to me - some attitudes, preferences, sense of humor, etc. Antoine is my age (33) and Kyna is a year older than Jessi (Jessi's turning 22) - we all joke that Jessi and I are the queer version of them.

So yeah - it's a fairly disorganized update, but you take what you can get at this point. At this rate, I'll update you in another month and a half.

Catch you later kids.

- erin

The title says it all. My name change is official - I'm Erin. I tried to slip one past the DMV when having my license changed, but apprarently the guy at the counter knows the rules. Oh well, my license says Erin and lists sex as M. Still an improvement on Ethan.

At work, gotta jet. See you all later, crocodiles.

Oh, and I'm borrowing a friend's digital camera - time for a new pic icon.

- erin

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Friday, June 29th
3:30 pm
Cheshire County Probate Court

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Got my name change hearing! w00t!

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Long time no write. Whatever.

I'm experiencing a fatigue and accompanying malaise - my appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday didn't set my mind at ease. I've been really physically tired (needing to stop & rest, etc) for a few months. I just chalked it up to "HRT doing her thing" and tried to push through it.

Turns out I process spiro really well - I was that way with the Prozac (results sooner and more pronounced than expected). Anyways, my free T levels have bottomed out. Yes, that's kinda the point, but they REALLY bottomed out. Before HRT I was at 230 something or others (I don't pay attention to units of measure) - it said normal guy was 200+. Normal female was listed at 30-50. My free testosterone count = "none detectable". Woot?

So, having NO T = loss of muscle tone/mass & fatigue. I'm way out of shape - I'm looking to get back into pilates. I've gained so much weight in the past year - I've gone from 141 to 163. That's my heaviest ever. FYI - I'm 5'7". I'm also going to make an appointment with a nutritionist - my metabolic needs aren't typical, so I'll probably need a diet tailored to me.

My cholesterol went UP despite my half-hearted attempts to watch my intake. It didn't go up a little - it jumped from 164 to 192 in the past 6 months. I blame meds. So I'm starting a statin (not Lipitor, something generic) on Monday.

The best part? The statin's most common side effects are muscle fatigue and weakness. >_<

In other, non-medical, news - I'm headed to the courthouse on Monday to start the name change process. I have no idea how long it'll take to get a hearing - 6/23 is one year on the pills and my birthday is 7/8. I'll keep you all informed.

- e

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Q: How do you get a tranny's undivided attention at work?

A: Call them from HR and say these words: "I need you to come fill out paperwork - we're changing health insurance providers".

So yeah. This morning has been awesome. My old insurance (Cigna) covers HRT, unlimited counseling (had to negotiate for that) and SRS if I ever go that route. Most insurance companies don't cover any trans shit. I figured out that the going from old co-pays to completely uncovered out of pocket = a 12% pay cut. Granted that's the worst-case (but likely) scenario, but that also only figures in my maintance HRT and counseling. Actually seeing any of my other doctors would be on top of that figure. Woo-motherfucking-hoo.

So yeah - a part time gig around here would likely pay something like $7 to start - I'd need to work 14 hours a week at a second job just to cover my shit.

So yeah. Here's hoping the new people rock. I had the most trans-friendly insurance anybody ever heard of - so anything new is most likely a benefit loss.

Incidently - any transfolks that read this on Harvard Pilgrim?

- e

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Wednesday Jae and I couldn't figure out what to do for dinner. I had a couple pork loins I could roast, but got out of the meeting (Pride executive board) a little late and had a pile of dishes and didn't feel like making a big production out of dinner.

We went back and forth, suggesting and rejecting ideas. We were both pretty apathetic about the whole thing. We're also fairly broke at the moment - many a good place got rejected for $$. I got to the point where I was naming every restaurant in town and said Friendly's. I haven't been there in a long time and got a craving for one of their hotdogs as soon as I named the place. I'm sworn off hotdogs for life by my endocirnologist (she specializes in metabolism & diabetes - my cholesterol is borderline). I said 'fuck it' and we went there.

Anyways, it's a Wednesday night at 9:30 at Friendly's. The waitress (can't call their staff servers - it doesn't fit somehow) approaches the table with "What can I get you ladies to drink?". We order drinks, get them and then order meals. Awaiting our meals conversation swings around to a friend of Jae's (who knows I'm trans) that has a trans friend.

Jae: "R* says she's got a trans friend and that she gets really upset when people use the wrong pronouns".

I explain that stealth is a common enough thing - getting outed because someone said the wrong thing is upsetting. "There may be a point when you out me like that and I'll be compelled to beat you to death. But I'm not there, so don't worry about it." (Not threatening, sarcastic. Earned a smirk & eyeroll).

Then the waitress brings our meals with "here you go ladies, anything else I can get you?". I've dealt with this woman four times at this point - ordering twice - and am still passing. Jae and I are both shocked. I'm wearing a black zip-up hoodie over a black tank & jeans.

We chow and then Jae is full. I want ice cream (it's 11 degrees outside, but whatever). The waitress returns and I order a Reese's sundae (FYI - Jae hates peanut butter). She turns to Jessi, who declines. "How about a second spoon?" "well, I'd say yes if he'd ordered something I like too". >.<

An awkward long pause followed by a kinda quiet "oh" and then the waitress scampers off to get my dessert. I pretend nothing has changed (only difference is her perception) but she is a cross between embarassed and stand-offish.

I eat my ice cream. Jae pays and we leave.

- e

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I'd like to apologize now that this may well get too personal or two obscure depending on who you are and how you know me. I'd crosspost this to the trangender community, but fuck it - I don't need judgement and apathy. I need help.

OK. I've been thinking about what "full-time" means. I've seen "living as the correct(ed) gender" more than once. I'm claiming that that definition is bullshit and/or I've been full-time my whole life.

I knew I was queer when I was a kid. My oldest friend is on my friend's list, and well, this predates him. I've never been a "boy" in any real sense. I may have lived as a boy, but just because that was the option and well, 9 year old trannies in NH in 1983 got killed at recess.

I dunno if anyone else watches The L Word (Showtime's lesbian soap) but I have the first three seasons on disk (no cable for 17 months now). Third season introduced a FtM character (Moira/Max) and I felt a lot of empathy with Moira (Max is an ass, but whatever). First couple episodes (pre-transition, etc) at some point Moira gets confronted because she is in the women's room (she looks male). She responds with "But I'm a girl" despite appearances. That scene sums me up pretty well (and always has) and the end of that scene will probably end up as a ljournal icon once I get Photoshop to stop being a bitch.

Anyways, tangent aside. I am now going to present my case of dykishness. This may be WAY too much info for people who know me - my sexual history, etc. Plus (in order to further illustrate my point) I'm naming names. Sorry to everyone involved, but whatever.

So yeah. I wanted to be a girl when I was 8. A total Ma Vie en Rose scenario, but with less dolls and french and more cute boys and violence. Developed my first crush in Marlow NH in third grade - Danny O'Brien. He would've killed me then if I tried anything, and I doubt much has changed since. Oh well.

Even before crushes is masturbation. Told you - TMI. Anyways. I never did the deed in the way that most guys do - it never occured to me. When I was 19 I discovered Jackie (my now ex-wife) and I have always used the same technique - I came up with it when I was 6. Never required hardness, and the more "traditional" way couldn't actually get me off until I was 27. Anways...

Yeah. I got scared (and beaten up) a lot as a kid - NH in the mid '80's wasn't exactly open-minded. I figured out I was pretty much a dyke by my freshman year in high school. Certainly wasn't saying anything/presenting differently/admitting it outloud, but I knew I wasn't a boy. I was fairly confused and bisexual through school. For those playing along at home, I had my first kiss and lost my virginity my senior year - same girl.

But there was a pattern that was pretty obvious to me since about 7th grade. My attentions were repressed, but that's because I was ashamed of my deal. I was either having a "gay" crush because they were a boy and I looked like one, or I was apparently (appearance-wise at least) totally barking up the wrong tree with the girls I was attracted to. So here they are - the objects of my affection. This game will probably be the most fun for Sheri, but Tal & K may know some of these names.

First Girlfriend (date / kiss / sex) - Heather Pearsall
Biggest & longest crush in high school - Jesse Palmer and Barbara DiBernardo
Biggest Lost Puppydog Infatuation from Afar - Julie Keller
Junior High Fantasies - Rachel Stavely, Maggie Norton (actually, that's pretty much one fantasy)
Sexual History (I'm considering oral (or more) as the qualifier) - Heather, Selena, Devon, Rob, Jackie, Glenn, Tiffany, Jessi

Don't know what any of that proves, but whatever. I'd like to reiterate that every girl I've ever kissed (the ones on the sex list plus Barbara, Sheri, & K) have all been bisexual - every single one of them (Sorry Z, but whatever).

I'd also like to point out something K said to me last night - she slept with every guy she knew back in the day (even the gay ones) except Ben and me. He was actually gay (not bi) and not having any of that, and K didn't even know how to process me. I wasn't a guy in her head when I was 19.

So yeah. I'm a lesbian. Have been since forever, I suppose. Sort of stumbled across that in a strange way - I felt I was a girl, which paired me with boys. Boy + "boy" = gay. I knew about gay because my mom explained it to me after I asked. I pretty much got gay bashed when I was 8 and had no idea what the hell they were talking about. So that must make girl + girl = something. Took a couple of years to get to the "maybe some girls like girls" moment. I prefer women (always have) but didn't know lesbianism existed until my brain followed the above logic path. Didn't know a single queer person until high school, and being out wasn't happening for them even then.

Anyways, back to the myth of "full-time". I sent out the final email saying "not a boy - call me 'e' - use feminine pronouns" last week. Last night was the first time they got used with any regularity (Jae tosses them in occasionally when she remembers). I've lived as a a girl that looks like a boy my entire life. Gender =/= appearance. Yes, I've said "I'm a guy" most of my life, use the men's room (when it was unavoidable), and was a Boy Scout. Those are survival skills and not manifested desires. I would have been more adamant about my identity if my life would have supported it.

Not that my "full-time" Real Life Experience clock matters (you're supposed to be full-time for a year pre-sex change) since I'm not adamant about surgery, but find the idea of "full-time" and the term "Real Life Experience" extremely fucked up, unrealistic, and actually pretty offensive. I've been been living as a girl/woman with an uncoopertive body/appearance my entire life. Names, pronouns, bathroom choices, etc, don't matter. So fuck it. But from an official, "so you want your dick removed" standpoint, I guess I'm starting the count from that email last Wednesday.

I'd again like to thank those of tyou that made it this far without a serious "what the fuck?". I would've cut this, but suck at life and figure cuts don't do anything. If this content is offensive to you, best I can say is sorry. I'm sorry if I've offended any people by naming names (two of my readers were mentioned) but you both (I hope) own your shit. If I'm the most shameful thing you've been involved with, you're doing well.

Please, comment like mad - I need the input. :)

- e

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Yesterday I sent an email to the rest of my friends basically saying "e not ethan. she not he." In it I told them to use the newer forms of address - even at work. Today I had the international sales coordinator talk name changes on customs forms with me and the head of the cafe (work has a cafe - free lunches ftw) pull me aside and say "I know it must be awkward as hell to talk about, but whatever you need to do, go for it. This is a very safe & accepting workplace (and it is), but if anybody gives you shit, let me know - I'll end it in no uncertain terms."

I talked more openly with James (in the cafe) than Alysa (international sales), but that's more environmental (Alysa is in cubicle land a little bit). James knows some folks, etc (used to live/work in Berkeley) and is completely cool with it.

Everyone else is too. Not saying I want people to give me shit, but this is almost anti-climactic. Becoming more open was such a huge stressor, etc, and everyone is so "ok, whatever". I don't know, it wasn't what I was expecting, I guess.

anywho - I work now.

-e

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I just got back from the doctor's, and have no microscopic trace blood in my urine or stool. My prostate is healthy but tiny. We have no idea what the hell happened, but it's better now. Glad I didn't go to the emergency room.

I have an appointment with my counselor in an hour, so it's time to get a little more work done before disappearing again...

- e

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I called my doctor's office (she's not a doctor, but whatever). Anyways, her nurse asked the issue and I said "possible UTI" and she said "rare in guys - most likely prostatitis". She made me an appointment for the morning.

So a quick Google search later and I see that prostatitis is swelling of the prostate. It doesn't mention bleeding, but then again, I didn't explain that to the nurse over the phone, so this could be WAY off. Anyways, symptoms of prostatitis include frequent urination and inability of get an erection. Basically it's my spironalactone in disease form. Good luck diagnosing that - I've had those symptoms for about 5 months now. And it also can cause pain, but I've been fine. WTF?

I guess we find out tomorrow. Actually I suspect I'll pee in a cup and people will scratch their heads and wonder how to proceed. Then they'll try to get me off my meds and I'll explain I'd rather have my hormones and no prostate rather than my prostate and no hormones.

So yeah. I was most likely right (woot) but am dreading the possibility of my first prostate exam. Not that that's a new thing per se, but nobody has ever had medical training before.

- e

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Today I gave the bank my new address and ordered new checks and a new debit card under "E Welch" rather than "Ethan".

So fairly soon some of my documentation will be correct. Woot.

- e

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This past Saturday was utter madness. Jessi and I moved Saturday and have spent the last week moving lodas of boxes to the new place. Saturday was the "friends with trucks" moment (Nate & Jae's dad) and we're 99% out of the old place (one more trip tonight...).

I'll post more about the new place later. Moving on...

Um..this will quickly veer into Too-Much-Infoville, but whatever. I'll cut it for the squeamish, but doubt anyone wil avoid the ( cut. )

We went out Saturday night. (Friday night too - some people....) Friday we went and say Pan's Labrynth in Brattleboro. It was good but really icky in spots. Jae was disappointed a bit - the "Pan" in the title was a strange translation - it should have been "faun". She was expecting more Greek mythology I think.

Anyways. Friday night was fun, but not what I was talking about. Our friend Sarah threw a b-day party for her little sister (who is 17 - I guessed 20. Not a mistake to make while single...) and had invited us out early because she made a big dinner (stuffed shells) and figured our kitchen was in no shape for cooking (true). So we're there eating when the birthday girl (Jamie) arrives with some others. I get up to get us some water and navigate throught the pile of new arrivals milling about the kitchen. I ask where the glasses are, get our waters, and head back into the livingroom. Jessi stuck her head into the kitchen to see who was arriving. We went back to our meals.

We last saw Jamie in July when we went to Six Flags. Jessi has had a fairly radical hairstyle /dy change since then. Once Jamie had her coat off, she asked Sarah who the two girls she doesn't know are. Sarah has to think who is there and realizes Jae & I are the only guests at this point. She laughs and and re-introduces us, explaing what Jamie had asked. Jamie is dying of embarrassment, I'm stunned into silence, and Jessi and Sarah are trying to tell Jamie her assumption was a good thing.

Here's the kicker. I moved that day - I hadn't even showered, much less shaved since Friday morning. I had a bit of 5:00 shadow in the moustache area (gotta love HRT) and had spoken to someone standing next to Jamie, asking where the glasses were kept.I wasn't even tucking that day - I was as far into "boy mode" as I go without faking it.

So yeah, I guess I passed. Without trying, without shaving. I can't wait for my laser.

- e

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Ok. It's pretty long, so I tucked it away. Read that statement however you'd like, but I was referring to ( this. )

- e

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Woke up crying at 4 in the morning. Woot!

Had a bad dream. (o.O)

About trans shit. (O.o)

( The Dream... )

anyways, I got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. great.

- e

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Jae just called to invite me to a show (she's buying, I'm driving). It's much more her thing - but if I don't go, she's not going.

So next Frday (1/26) I'm seeing The 69 Eyes, Three Inches of Blood, and Cradle of Filth at the Palladium in Worcester. I don't mind 69 Eyes, and actually like some CoF stuff, but my industrial goth days are kinda behind me. I'd be much more "OMG YAY!" ten years ago, but it'll be fun. Probably scary, but fun.

- e

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I found this through innerlife_. Here we go!

( WWEEEEE!!!!! )

See - wasn't that painless?

- e

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Jae found my wallet. It was under her bureau - about 10 feet from where I got undressed that night - apparently stuff went flying.

That said, I've already reported my cards missing, so they've been shut off. I'll wait for the reissues. At least I have ID now.

-e

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